Tuesday 28 September 2010

Oven-proof labels

Have you noticed that labels saying "this cookware is not dishwasher-safe" aren't oven-proof? I have.

I managed to burn a label off, by leaving it on a dish when cooking in it. Of course, I then didn't realise that the dish wasn't dishwasher-safe, and it had to be thrown away after I put it through a washing cycle.

There must be a trick to this, but I haven't discovered a single rule that I can use to say "this type of dish is never safe for dishwashers".

Monday 27 September 2010

Omelette juice

We had 5 eggs. discodoris wanted omelette. I can make three-egg omelette.

I fried salmon, whacked the heat up to full-blast, whisked the eggs with a splash of milk, and poured them over the salmon. Within 30 seconds, I had a perfect omelette!

I served it, and she was very happy with it.

I had two eggs left. I wanted the same size of omelette, so I bulked it to the same volume by adding extra milk.

After leaving the gloop in the frying pan for 5 minutes, it still wasn't setting, and was starting to burn, so I served it up anyway. It was a disgusting mess of omelette juice!

A gas hob is a very bad plate warmer

I was new at cooking eggs & bacon. I didn't realise that bacon would take so long in the frying pan. I fried the eggs first.

The eggs were on a plate, getting cooler by the minute, whilst the bacon fried. I didn't want the eggs to be stone cold by the time the bacon was ready, so I thought I'd keep the plate warm.

The rim on the bottom of the plate was just the right size to go over the gas burner. It could have been made for the task, so I thought I'd keep the eggs warm by putting the gas on really low.

It lasted for less than a minute before I heard a huge CRACK!, and the plate shattered into sharp stoneware shards.

I tried to pick the shard out of the eggs, but it was no good - I had to throw them away, and bacon & eggs became bacon-on-a-fork.

Gold paint is actually gold!

Who knew! Certainly not me, when I put a bowl of tomato soup in the microwave. It was a very nice bowl, with a gold-painted rim.

I thought it was a little strange when it started fizzing, but I had never microwaved tomato soup before so I didn't realise that it wasn't supposed to fizz.

However, when it exploded and left a gloopy mess over the walls and the door, I got a hint! Perhaps I should have covered the soup, but I was unsure of whether clingfilm-dipped soup would be poisonous.

Teflon rusts

Don't let anyone tell you different! It's hateful stuff!

I've already posted about my roasting pan becoming non-non-stick, when potatoes were roasting in it, and then forgetting that I'd just spent ages cleaning the teflon off the potatoes while I made gravy in the same pan, but that's not the only non-stick item that I've ruined.

I have a baking tray, with about 30% of it teflon coated. I had a set of three non-stick saucepans, each of which rusted THROUGH the teflon coating!

My problem with the teflon baking sheet was that I didn't wash it very thoroughly. "Hey", I thought, "it's non-stick, so food won't stick to it". Isn't that the purpose of non-stick coatings?

Because I didn't necessarily wash it thoroughly, a grime built-up on it. This grime also built-up on my ceramic hob. I was worried about scouring them, permanently ruining my tray and hob.

After 18 months, my partner brought-up my lack of cleanliness. She didn't accept my excuse, explaining to me how ceramic is tougher than the scouring cloths that I had. She also asked about my oven. "Isn't it self-cleaning?" I asked. It seems not.

ok, this post isn't as amusing as my cookistry disasters, but it's still true.

Oh ... my saucepans weren't tougher than my scouring cloths, and had to be thrown out.

Misadventures with the coffee jug

We have a coffee maker with an insulated jug. It is a great idea, as it uses less energy to keep the coffee hot, and there's less chance of it burning the coffee.

I filled the jug with cold water, poured the water into the coffee maker, put a filter in, poured coffee into the filter, slotted the jug under it and switched it on.

I returned after 5 minutes to pour myself a lovely cup of coffee, to find a coffee-ground flood all over the worktop.

The jug has a lid with a sprung valve, which needs to be screwed on, or the bottom of the filter holder remains closed.

I repeated the brewing, this time making sure that the lid was screwed-in. I stood by the coffee maker, to make sure that it was working correctly.

It worked! I had a jug of coffee! I tilted the jug, to pour the coffee out, but nothing happened. The lid was closed, so I screwed it to the "open" mark and tried again, Coffee poured into my cup, followed by the lid splashing into it, spilling most of the coffee out! It seems that the sprung loaded lid just needs to be pressed to allow the coffee out.

And people wonder why I prefer instant coffee!

You can re-use frying pan oil

However, when you have a partner who is intolerant to capsicum and pepperine, it's best to clean it before you make her turkey bacon rashers taste like pepper *nods*

I can even muck-up making a sandwich!


I was asked for a ham salad sandwich. I asked what salad would be required, as we have no mixed salad in a bag. I was told "lettuce, tomato, cucumber and salad cream".
I cut the bread, chopped the lettuce, sliced the tomatoes and cucumber, put it all together and served it up.

How was I supposed to know the difference between lettuce and cabbage?

A bear of very little brain

I fancied toasted bagels for breakfast. Not too tricky, you might think, just cut them in half and pop them in the toaster.

However, we were staying with a friend, I've already stated how dextrous I am with cutting things, we were in a foreign country and I couldn't understand the oven!

Ok, we were in the US, so I shouldn't have had language problems, but I was looking for the toaster / grill, but I could only see controls for the oven and the broiler.

I pressed buttons, I turned knobs, but eventually I admitted defeat. I couldn't get the damned thing to cook bagels from above.

the problem with thin-crust pizza


Cooking (well, heating) pizzas. Five of us, all hungry, so there were 6 pizzas; 2 thin-crust and 4 deep-pan.

The deep pan pizzas need 10-12 minutes at 200C. The thin crusts need 6-8 minutes at 200C. No problem, I thought - I'll heat the ovens, put all the deep pan pizzas on the oven grills, start them going, then put the two thin-crust pizzas on pizza trays and shove them in the bottom of the ovens.

All went well, and was nice & straightforward.

On opening the top oven, to take out the cooked pizzas, there was a cloud of smoke. "This seems wrong" I thought to myself, but I grabbed the pizzas and thought nothing more of it.

When trying to slide the pepperoni thin crust pizza off its pizza tray, it was stuck. Very strange. I soon discovered what had happened, though ...

The pizzas are all supplied on compressed polystyrene bases. I had neglected to remove the base from one pizza before cooking it. It had melted, fusing the pizza to the tray, and smoked the taste of plastic into the other pizzas.

One pizza thrown away, two pizzas tasting of plastic. Meh!

On the subject of cutting ...

my last post talked about the problem I have with The World's Sharpest Knife(tm).

That is not the only problem I have with cutting things in the kitchen.

This copy-pasted from Facebook:

Rick Brown ‎"you might have to cut the lasagne pasta". Hah! The damned stuff splinters into a thousand parts as soon as I bring a pair of scissors near it!

09 September at 20:04  ·  · 
  • Claire Thomas and Kristen Pontier like this.
    • Marie Pendle dude, you're cooking - cut refers to knife not scissors...
      09 September at 20:04 · 
    • Rick Brown when did you tell me THAT?!?!?!
      09 September at 20:05 · 
    • Chris Kraus are you cutting them cooked or uncooked?
      09 September at 20:26 · 
    • Heather Capocci Laughing so hard right now.
      09 September at 20:27 · 
    • Marie Pendle I constantly overrate his ability to comprehend instruction...
      09 September at 20:30 · 
    • Rick Brown Bloody hell! It's risen like a souffle!
      09 September at 20:32 · 
    • Chris Kraus Is that british for boiled over, made a mess in the cooker and there is smoke bellowing out?
      09 September at 20:34 · 
    • Marie Pendle no, it means that rather than patting the lasagne into the sauce, he left it with bloody great airbubbles underneath, which have naturally expanded during cooking. I just want my dinner :(
      09 September at 20:35 · 
    • Rick Brown You'll have to wait for it to fall again. I'm sure it won't be long.

      One lump or two?
      09 September at 20:36 · 
    • Chris Kraus poke it with a knife, poke it with a scissors, poke it with a skewer.... just make a mess
      09 September at 20:38 · 
    • Rick Brown That was the tastiest lasagne I have ever cooked!
      09 September at 21:01 · 
    • Caroline Klebacha Was it also the only lasagna you have ever cooked? Because it sounds that way. Sets the bar for next time.
      09 September at 21:08 · 
    • Tonya Knowlen Perkins ‎*giggles madly*
      09 September at 21:47 · 
    • Belinda Mullinix Rick 'Delia' Brown... bless.
      10 September at 09:51 · 

Fresh bread

This isn't a post about cooking. This is a post about cutting.

For the life of me, I can't cut in a straight line! I first noticed this in woodwork classes, when my saw seemed to have a life of its own, hacking chunks off my timber and leaving me with a pile of splintered shards in place of a coffee table.

Translated to cookistry, the tenon saw is The World's Sharpest Knife(tm) and the timber is bread newly baked by discodoris. Expertly-baked, I might add (I might add it because I thoroughly enjoy the bread, and buttering-up the cook is a good way to get some more).

From a tin loaf, I can possibly get three nice slices from it. The rest of the loaf is a series of wedges, some nicely triangular, some rings and a few domes. And, as discodoris has just reminded me, some that exhibit all three characteristics, not counting the mobius slices I seem to be capable of cutting.

Stir Fry adventures

Stir fry. You can't go wrong, can you? You simply need to keep stirring.

No, I can't spare the time to grab ingredients out of the fridge, because I stop stirring the wok for a few seconds and the noodles stick to the bottom.

A stir fry of nicely-cooked veg and properly-done chunks of meat, with the juxtaposition of the scraped dregs of noodles fused to the bottom of the pan offering a certain piquant smokiness to the whole ensemble.

I cooked it, I'm damned-well going to eat it!

Frying Mince?

Ever since I was very small, I thought that spaghetti bolognese had chewy mince.

Mince, passata, spaghetti. You can't really go wrong with it. However, my mince was always chewy.

discodoris told me the secret.

Fry the mince, don't boil it!

I needed to be told three times. It is ingrained into me that I should boil the stuff!

This has caused another problem. Whenever I cook (and I mean WHENEVER! It doesn't matter what I cook, what implements I use, whether it's the grill, the oven, the hob) the smoke detector will blast-out at 100dB to complain!

Teflon Gravy

Mmm, roast dinners! I like a good roast!

Yes, I've started a post with the same sentiment before, but I *really* like roasts!

I am expert in making scrumbly potatoes - you know the ones - the edges are furry, so when roasted, they become crispy and falling-apart!

However, I have problems keeping a non-stick coating on roasting pans.

It has been noted to me that I had very cheap cookware, because I started this process by buying any old stuf from the local supermarket.

Anyway ... the teflon coating on my roasting pan was starting to come away. No problem I thought - it's non-stick, so it's not going to stick to my food.

WRONG!

Teflon flakes on my lovely potatoes. I had to spend ages scraping them clear.

Ho hum ... I need gravy with a roast. To make gravy, I thicken the pan juices with flour, pour veg-water in, stir, add an oxo cube, stir again, pour into a pyrex jug.

I had forgotten about the teflon coating.

Teflon gravy is a poor accompaniment to teflon potatoes.

Steaming vegetables in the microwave

ok, my previous disaster was about not giving enough time to fresh veggies in the microwave. I discovered that I needed to add water, and stick the microwave on for 10 minutes.

For some reason, I thought that I needed to do this for frozen veg, too.

Half a pint of water in with frozen veg DOES mean that they cook slower, I found.

They lose all taste, though, and go soggy, and aren't very nice to eat.

Vegetables in a roast dinner

Roast dinners. Mmmm! I love a nice roast!

discodoris told me that basting a joint with fizzy cola keeps it moist and gives the gravy a nice caramel flavour. She was right, and it doesn't seem to matter what brand, or even whether it's full-fat or diet!

However, although the joint is straightforward (well, so far), the vegetables are a different matter!

Having previously heated veggies from frozen in the microwave, I knew that 2-5minutes is adequate at full power.

I had some fresh carrots.

I gave them 5 minutes.

Hard as BULLETS!

Vegetables in a roast dinner

Roast dinners. Mmmm! I love a nice roast!

discodoris told me that basting a joint with fizzy cola keeps it moist and gives the gravy a nice caramel flavour. She was right, and it doesn't seem to matter what brand, or even whether it's full-fat or diet!

However, although the joint is straightforward (well, so far), the vegetables are a different matter!

Having previously heated veggies from frozen in the microwave, I knew that 2-5minutes is adequate at full power.

I had some fresh carrots.

I gave them 5 minutes.

Hard as BULLETS!

MSN needs Webcam

So, my first experience was a positive one. "Hey", I thought to myself, "this cookistry stuff is easier than I thought it would be! All I need is to understand the instructions and follow them, and the guaranteed output is something that I can enjoy eating".

A few days later, I had no food in the house. Well, when I say "no food" I mean "no ready-meals, no oven chips, no Findus Crispy Pancakes".

When I said this, over MSN, to discodoris, she asked some pertinent questions. These questions were pertinent because she'd gone shopping with me, so she knew what I had in the cupboards.

The following is a precis, from a conversation between discodoris and me

"Do you have potatoes?"
"Yes"
"Do you have eggs?"
"Yes"
"Do you have oil?"
"Yes"
"You're all sorted, then. Here's what you do:
Heat oil in the pan, chop the potatoes into half-inch cubes, drop the potatoes into the oil and stir them/shake the pan until they are starting to brown. Then I'll tell you the next step"
After a few minutes ...
"ok, they are browning. I've taken them off the heat, so they don't burn while I'm not looking at them"
"Good. Now, you want to fry a couple of eggs to go with them. Using the same oil in the same pan, crack two eggs into it"
A couple of minutes later ...
"ok, I've cracked two eggs into it. I now have a horrible eggy mess over my potatoes"
"Err, you moved the potatoes to the side in the pan, and cracked the eggs into an empty part of the pan?"
"No. Should I have done so?"

Were the instructions incomplete? Should I have known that I was supposed to move the potatoes out of the way? It would all have been sorted had I used a webcam for my MSN, so she could have seen the mess I was making of it.

I ate it, though. It tasted very nice, although a little bland.

MSN needs Webcam

So, my first experience was a positive one. "Hey", I thought to myself, "this cookistry stuff is easier than I thought it would be! All I need is to understand the instructions and follow them, and the guaranteed output is something that I can enjoy eating".

A few days later, I had no food in the house. Well, when I say "no food" I mean "no ready-meals, no oven chips, no Findus Crispy Pancakes".

When I said this, over MSN, to discodoris, she asked some pertinent questions. These questions were pertinent because she'd gone shopping with me, so she knew what I had in the cupboards.

The following conversation is a precis between discodoris and me

"Do you have potatoes?"
"Yes"
"Do you have eggs?"
"Yes"
"Do you have oil?"
"Yes"
"You're all sorted, then. Here's what you do:
Heat oil in the pan, chop the potatoes into half-inch cubes, drop the potatoes into the oil and stir them/shake the pan until they are starting to brown. Then I'll tell you the next step"
After a few minutes ...
"ok, they are browning. I've taken them off the heat, so they don't burn while I'm not looking at them"
"Good. Now, you want to fry a couple of eggs to go with them. Using the same oil in the same pan, crack two eggs into it"
A couple of minutes later ...
"ok, I've cracked two eggs into it. I now have a horrible eggy mess over my potatoes"
"Err, you moved the potatoes to the side in the pan, and cracked the eggs into an empty part of the pan?"
"No. Should I have done so?"

Were the instructions incomplete? Should I have known that I was supposed to move the potatoes out of the way? It would all have been sorted had I used a webcam for my MSN, so she could have seen the mess I was making of it.

How it started

My wife and I split in early 2007. Disasters I've had when cooking are archived in my head (and some of them archived on other general blogging and microblogging sites) so there will be some copy-pasting to bring them all together here, along with side (and occasionally snide) comments about how naive I was.

It started so well! This is from June 1, 2007:
---
MSN Cookery Lessons
I actually cooked for three people last night - myself, my mum and her housemate. Tricolor fusilli, with tuna, passata and cheddar.

I had no idea how to cook pasta, or what to cook with it.
discodoris helped me buy the ingredients originally, but she wasn't around when I needed to cook it. Fortunately, she was online, so I poked her on MSN and she talked me through exactly what to do, how, and when!

And it all worked! It was edible, and everyone enjoyed it.

Big thanks to discodoris for being so awesome and lovely!
---
Who could have known that my next experience would be so different?

Whirled Peas

Welcome to my cookery blog. This isn't the regular fayre that you get with cookery blogs, showing you how to cook, healthy eating, listing ingredients, etc., it's how I am learning (and failing) to cook.

When my marriage ended, I realised that I could only heat food in the microwave, or throw pre-cooked substances into the oven for finishing & browning. I had no concept of actually cooking, taking raw ingredients and constructing an edible meal from those.

I left school in 1985, having been taught many useful things, such as the workings of a lathe, how to plane wood, the triple-point of water, the trajectory and acceleration of missiles, the colour-coding on electronics, etc., but it was a boys' school, so I had never learned one end of an oven from the other.

Others from my school have managed to overcome this lack. Heston Blumenthal went to my school, a year below me, and he seems to have been fairly successful in this cookistry lark, so perhaps my lack-of-schooling is a poor excuse.

Therefore, I am trying, and receiving lots of assistance & instruction, but I am learning slowly, and I have my share of disasters. This blog outlines some of those disasters, so you can understand the lack of expertise that is where some people start from.