It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted here. This is due to a couple of reasons:
1. I have restricted myself to cooking things that I know how to do, and haven't had any disasters (well, except for today, when I managed to cremate a dozen chipolatas under the grill)
2. It's Christmas! My partner reads this blog (and has both reminded me of disasters that I'd forgotten and prompted me to update occasionally), so she has made sure that all Christmas meals have been cooked properly, by cooking them herself!
She allowed me to help with the Christmas Day dinner, by cooking roast potatoes. I like my roast potatoes cooked in a specific way, with their sharp edges scrumbly. I think I have explained before in this blog about what "scrumbly" means when defining roast potatoes, so I won't do so again (unless anyone comments that they don't understand). My partner's parents were staying with us for a few days, and the single negative comment made by them regarding their meals while they were with us was "the potatoes were burnt". So, over Christmas, I have a 100% disaster-rate for my cooking, whilst having lots of wonderful food!
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
Disaster Averted!
I almost had a disaster today, but I managed to avoid it :)
Cheese on toast isn't the most exciting of dinners, or the most tricky ... I am very confident in being able to cook cheese on toast without problems (unless you count slightly burnt toast around the edges as a problem).
My partner wanted fancy cheese on toast. Buttered toast, with ketchup smeared, then Italian herbs and finally the cheddar. This was no problem.
I fancied egg on cheese on toast. every now-and-then, it's nice to have a fried egg on your cheese on toast, so I turned the hob on. I realised that I had left a new tin of chocolates beside the hob, and these would melt, so I reached over to move the tin. Of course, this meant me taking my hand off the burner dial, which stopped the piezo lighter from igniting the gas, the burner went out but the dial was still on full power.
After moving the tin out of the way, I went back to my frying pan, at which time I noticed the smell of gas. A quick scan and I realised what had happened, so I turned off the burner and wafted the gas away before igniting the hob again.
So, disaster averted.
The smoke alarm siren still blared, but hey - I was using the grill, and the smoke alarm always fires when I use the grill!
Cheese on toast isn't the most exciting of dinners, or the most tricky ... I am very confident in being able to cook cheese on toast without problems (unless you count slightly burnt toast around the edges as a problem).
My partner wanted fancy cheese on toast. Buttered toast, with ketchup smeared, then Italian herbs and finally the cheddar. This was no problem.
I fancied egg on cheese on toast. every now-and-then, it's nice to have a fried egg on your cheese on toast, so I turned the hob on. I realised that I had left a new tin of chocolates beside the hob, and these would melt, so I reached over to move the tin. Of course, this meant me taking my hand off the burner dial, which stopped the piezo lighter from igniting the gas, the burner went out but the dial was still on full power.
After moving the tin out of the way, I went back to my frying pan, at which time I noticed the smell of gas. A quick scan and I realised what had happened, so I turned off the burner and wafted the gas away before igniting the hob again.
So, disaster averted.
The smoke alarm siren still blared, but hey - I was using the grill, and the smoke alarm always fires when I use the grill!
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
A Challenge!
Krin, a dear friend, is emigrating (back) to Australia tomorrow. She has given me a challenge!
Perhaps she had some strange ingredients left-over from her stay here and I am most-amusing for cocking up the use of them, but she definitely put some thought into a challenge for me, using these to stretch my culinary expertise.
I have the following instructions:
Cooking Disasters Blog Challenge
Use each of these ingredients in SEPARATE dishes: + WRITE ABOUT IT!
1. Tahini
2. Dijonnaise (on top of potatoes is OK)
3. Capers
4. Beer Mustard (on a sandwich is OK)
I have some questions:
What on EARTH would I do with Tahini? Is it even a foodstuff?!?!
I know Dijon Mustard (and might possibly combine a dollop with some cheese to make a dish cheesier), but Dijonnaise?
Capers look like pickled peas. Is there anything I can make with these that could possibly be appetising?
Beer is good. Beer Mustard doesn't sound like something I'd happily order in a pub!
the game is afoot! Watch here for my fabulous concoctions from these strange items!
Perhaps she had some strange ingredients left-over from her stay here and I am most-amusing for cocking up the use of them, but she definitely put some thought into a challenge for me, using these to stretch my culinary expertise.
I have the following instructions:
Cooking Disasters Blog Challenge
Use each of these ingredients in SEPARATE dishes: + WRITE ABOUT IT!
1. Tahini
2. Dijonnaise (on top of potatoes is OK)
3. Capers
4. Beer Mustard (on a sandwich is OK)
I have some questions:
What on EARTH would I do with Tahini? Is it even a foodstuff?!?!
I know Dijon Mustard (and might possibly combine a dollop with some cheese to make a dish cheesier), but Dijonnaise?
Capers look like pickled peas. Is there anything I can make with these that could possibly be appetising?
Beer is good. Beer Mustard doesn't sound like something I'd happily order in a pub!
the game is afoot! Watch here for my fabulous concoctions from these strange items!
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Needing a knife to eat Bolognese
My partner asked me to cook, this evening. I had no inspiration whatsoever. The diced beef in the refrigerator has a slight greenish tinge and it's out of date (so I left it in the fridge, rather than throwing it away), the turkey rashers and bacon in the fridge looked unappetizing to me, I didn't fancy chicken or lamb.
I had a root through the cupboards, but couldn't face the prospect of stirring a pan of rice for 45 minutes just to make risotto. I spied the pasta ... not pasta bake (I cooked that at the weekend), but there was some minced beef in the freezer (best before: 28 August 2010, so it must have been there for 10+ weeks), so bolognese will have to do.
An aside: I've always thought it strange that pasta is named differently because of its shape. We have some spirals and some bows. "spiral" and "bow" describe the shape, so why does a different shape of foodstuff need a different name? It's not like a square pizza has a different name from a round pizza, a round loaf of bread having a different name from a loaf baked in a tin, or a circular pie having a different name from an oval pie, so why pasta?
I put water on the hob to boil. At the same time, I got the frozen lump of minced beef out of the freezer, and put it in a frying pan to thaw.
It was only then that I thought to myself "doesn't minced beef get sold on a layer of greaseproof paper?", but I couldn't see any, so I kept it frying.
Then I thought "perhaps I should have microwaved the beef first, before frying it?". I decided that this was probably a good idea, so I took the mince back out of the frying pan, put it back into its plastic tub and popped it into the microwave, on full power for 3 minutes.
After 2 minutes, the plastic tub was all melted and deformed, so I quickly rescued the mince. At this point I spotted the layer of greaseproof paper, so I carefully picked it off the mince. The frozen mince had been frying that-side-down, so I'm sure the paper was very tasty, but I didn't fancy trying it.
I threw a couple of handfuls of pasta into the boiling water, and put the mince back in the frying pan.
The mince wasn't separating like I expect. I had to force my wooden spoon into it to split it into strips. No matter how much I tried, I could only split it into strips, not into smaller blocks.
I stirred the mince until brown ... well, until there were parts of it were burnt, because I still couldn't get the bloody stuff to separate correctly. I thought "perhaps it needs liquid?", so I threw a jar of bolognese sauce into it. topping-up with two jars-full of water.
No change, still the mince won't come apart.
The flavour of that mixture was a little bland, so I chopped an onion into it, and added some flakes from a spice jar called "Italian Herbs". Well, you can't expect me to understand how specific herbs will make a difference to a meal, can you?
The saucepan holding the boiling pasta is also the base of a steaming pan, so I got some green beans and some sweetcorn from the freezer, and started steaming them.
Still stirring the mince mixture, now pretending to myself that I'm reducing the liquid rather than desperately attempting to mend the mince, I took a taste and thought "meh" just as my partner called to me "something smells good!". I responded with "reserve judgement until you taste it!", and continued stirring.
The sweetcorn tasted done. The beans tasted done. I took a look at the pasta, and it looked almost bleached, so it was overdone, and still the mince was too watery. I turned the heat up to full under the frying pan, and took the saucepan off the heat, pouring the pasta water away.
Serving-up the bleached pasta, I realised that I had cooked double what was required. I had just the right amount of sweetcorn and beans, though.
I bit the bullet and served-up the mince. There was too much of that, too, but at least the liquid wasn't too noticeable - I'd spent enough time reducing it - phew!
I served a few lumps of mince each. My partner made no comment about the state of the food ... she will usually compliment me if its ok.
You know when you eat spaghetti bolognese, you need to twirl the pasta around your fork? I had to do that with my mince!
I had a root through the cupboards, but couldn't face the prospect of stirring a pan of rice for 45 minutes just to make risotto. I spied the pasta ... not pasta bake (I cooked that at the weekend), but there was some minced beef in the freezer (best before: 28 August 2010, so it must have been there for 10+ weeks), so bolognese will have to do.
An aside: I've always thought it strange that pasta is named differently because of its shape. We have some spirals and some bows. "spiral" and "bow" describe the shape, so why does a different shape of foodstuff need a different name? It's not like a square pizza has a different name from a round pizza, a round loaf of bread having a different name from a loaf baked in a tin, or a circular pie having a different name from an oval pie, so why pasta?
I put water on the hob to boil. At the same time, I got the frozen lump of minced beef out of the freezer, and put it in a frying pan to thaw.
It was only then that I thought to myself "doesn't minced beef get sold on a layer of greaseproof paper?", but I couldn't see any, so I kept it frying.
Then I thought "perhaps I should have microwaved the beef first, before frying it?". I decided that this was probably a good idea, so I took the mince back out of the frying pan, put it back into its plastic tub and popped it into the microwave, on full power for 3 minutes.
After 2 minutes, the plastic tub was all melted and deformed, so I quickly rescued the mince. At this point I spotted the layer of greaseproof paper, so I carefully picked it off the mince. The frozen mince had been frying that-side-down, so I'm sure the paper was very tasty, but I didn't fancy trying it.
I threw a couple of handfuls of pasta into the boiling water, and put the mince back in the frying pan.
The mince wasn't separating like I expect. I had to force my wooden spoon into it to split it into strips. No matter how much I tried, I could only split it into strips, not into smaller blocks.
I stirred the mince until brown ... well, until there were parts of it were burnt, because I still couldn't get the bloody stuff to separate correctly. I thought "perhaps it needs liquid?", so I threw a jar of bolognese sauce into it. topping-up with two jars-full of water.
No change, still the mince won't come apart.
The flavour of that mixture was a little bland, so I chopped an onion into it, and added some flakes from a spice jar called "Italian Herbs". Well, you can't expect me to understand how specific herbs will make a difference to a meal, can you?
The saucepan holding the boiling pasta is also the base of a steaming pan, so I got some green beans and some sweetcorn from the freezer, and started steaming them.
Still stirring the mince mixture, now pretending to myself that I'm reducing the liquid rather than desperately attempting to mend the mince, I took a taste and thought "meh" just as my partner called to me "something smells good!". I responded with "reserve judgement until you taste it!", and continued stirring.
The sweetcorn tasted done. The beans tasted done. I took a look at the pasta, and it looked almost bleached, so it was overdone, and still the mince was too watery. I turned the heat up to full under the frying pan, and took the saucepan off the heat, pouring the pasta water away.
Serving-up the bleached pasta, I realised that I had cooked double what was required. I had just the right amount of sweetcorn and beans, though.
I bit the bullet and served-up the mince. There was too much of that, too, but at least the liquid wasn't too noticeable - I'd spent enough time reducing it - phew!
I served a few lumps of mince each. My partner made no comment about the state of the food ... she will usually compliment me if its ok.
You know when you eat spaghetti bolognese, you need to twirl the pasta around your fork? I had to do that with my mince!
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Microwaving coffee
I napped on the sofa. On awakening, I thought I'd sip my coffee. Feeling the cup, I noticed that it was stone-cold ... I must have napped for longer than I thought.
I put the cup into the microwave, and blasted it on full power for a minute. Mmmm, the promise of hot coffee.
Have you noticed how similar black coffee and cola look, when in a coffee mug? Eeuugh!
I put the cup into the microwave, and blasted it on full power for a minute. Mmmm, the promise of hot coffee.
Have you noticed how similar black coffee and cola look, when in a coffee mug? Eeuugh!
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Lasagne Redux
After my previous lasagne disaster, I've taken on-board the criticism, watched it being made correctly, and decided that I should try again.
Mince, fried
I added olive oil without thinking, so it spat in the pan more than it should have done, but meh - I'll clean the hob ... sometime.
Passata added
Once the mince was browned, I poured my whole jar of Bolognese tomato sauce. Some of the sauce never comes out of the jar, so I half-filled the empty-ish jar with water, tightened the lid, shook it and poured the resulting tomato water into the pan.
This was more liquid than I recall it should be, but I know that I can simmer the mixture in the pan, and it'll gradually reduce & thicken. I could have added a little flour to help, I think (well, it works for gravy), but I decided that it would be ok without trying something new.
I turned-on the oven, set it to 200C, and stirred the mince mixture on the hob until it was looking the ideal consistency.
Time to construct the layers.
I managed to booby-trap our preferred pasta dish the other week after washing it up, and Doris smashed it on the kitchen floor, so I had to choose a larger dish ... the one I like to cook pasta bake in. This avoided one of my problems from last time ... I only had to chip-off corners of the lasagne sheets in my construction.
I realised that I hadn't stirred the mince mixture for a while, so I had to scrape the burnt bits off the base of the frying pan. I'm sure it adds to the flavour!
Half the mince, two lasagne sheets pressed-down into the mince.
Half a jar of white lasagne sauce, two lasagne sheets pressed-down into the sauce.
The other half of the mince, two lasagne sheets pressed-down.
The other half of the white sauce. Hmm ... sauce trapped in the jar, so I added a splash of milk to the empty-ish jar, shook it and poured it over the lasagne.
I was very pleased with myself, so I grated the cheese on top, and slid it into the now-pre-heated oven.
Lovely! No disasters, an empty blog post, and a reasonable meal.
I went to check with Doris ... "20 minutes at 200C?".
She responded "Yes, after you've cooked the lasagne for 15 minutes and then grated the cheese on top. You *have* cooked it for 15 minutes before grating the cheese on top, haven't you?"
BUGGER! Ok, recovery-mode activated!
Can I remove the cheese? I checked, but it had started to melt.
Can I microwave the lasagne to hopefully cook the pasta without affecting the cheese? I couldn't guarantee that the cheese wouldn't cook even faster, and the dish wouldn't fit into the microwave anyway.
Can I ignore the problem and serve it after 20 minutes? Only if the pasta is cooked (otherwise it won't be soft-enough to cut into portions).
Can I cook it for 20 minutes, then serve it into portions and blast each one in the microwave? See above.
Mince, fried
I added olive oil without thinking, so it spat in the pan more than it should have done, but meh - I'll clean the hob ... sometime.
Passata added
Once the mince was browned, I poured my whole jar of Bolognese tomato sauce. Some of the sauce never comes out of the jar, so I half-filled the empty-ish jar with water, tightened the lid, shook it and poured the resulting tomato water into the pan.
This was more liquid than I recall it should be, but I know that I can simmer the mixture in the pan, and it'll gradually reduce & thicken. I could have added a little flour to help, I think (well, it works for gravy), but I decided that it would be ok without trying something new.
I turned-on the oven, set it to 200C, and stirred the mince mixture on the hob until it was looking the ideal consistency.
Time to construct the layers.
I managed to booby-trap our preferred pasta dish the other week after washing it up, and Doris smashed it on the kitchen floor, so I had to choose a larger dish ... the one I like to cook pasta bake in. This avoided one of my problems from last time ... I only had to chip-off corners of the lasagne sheets in my construction.
I realised that I hadn't stirred the mince mixture for a while, so I had to scrape the burnt bits off the base of the frying pan. I'm sure it adds to the flavour!
Half the mince, two lasagne sheets pressed-down into the mince.
Half a jar of white lasagne sauce, two lasagne sheets pressed-down into the sauce.
The other half of the mince, two lasagne sheets pressed-down.
The other half of the white sauce. Hmm ... sauce trapped in the jar, so I added a splash of milk to the empty-ish jar, shook it and poured it over the lasagne.
I was very pleased with myself, so I grated the cheese on top, and slid it into the now-pre-heated oven.
Lovely! No disasters, an empty blog post, and a reasonable meal.
I went to check with Doris ... "20 minutes at 200C?".
She responded "Yes, after you've cooked the lasagne for 15 minutes and then grated the cheese on top. You *have* cooked it for 15 minutes before grating the cheese on top, haven't you?"
BUGGER! Ok, recovery-mode activated!
Can I remove the cheese? I checked, but it had started to melt.
Can I microwave the lasagne to hopefully cook the pasta without affecting the cheese? I couldn't guarantee that the cheese wouldn't cook even faster, and the dish wouldn't fit into the microwave anyway.
Can I ignore the problem and serve it after 20 minutes? Only if the pasta is cooked (otherwise it won't be soft-enough to cut into portions).
Can I cook it for 20 minutes, then serve it into portions and blast each one in the microwave? See above.
Can I cook it for 20 minutes, then turn the oven down to 150C for another 15 minutes, giving the pasta a chance to cook? Only if the cheese doesn't burn.
Ok, we'll try the last option, especially as these recovery thoughts have taken over 10 minutes, and I'll keep note of the smell coming from the kitchen.
After 10 minutes at 150C, the smell of burning cheese was wafting out of the kitchen. I couldn't wait any longer, and had to get the dish out of the oven before it got worse.
The cheese topping is a bronze colour. It's mature cheddar, so should be golden when cooked. Bronze is a little overdone, but at least it's not black.
The top layer shouldn't be this liquid, I'm sure! Perhaps the pasta hasn't absorbed all the liquid because it's underdone? I'll leave it on the side to cool for a few minutes. Hopefully the liquid will have been absorbed by then.
After a few minutes, I cut into the lasagne, through the bronzed cheese and the still-liquid layer, but thankfully I can cut into the pasta. Phew!
Served for three people. I had seconds. Only after my seconds did I feel like my stomach was still expanding. Does lasagne pasta continue to absorb if it's undercooked, or did I just eat too much of it?
The combination of partly undercooked and partly overcooked was interesting. Perhaps I've discovered a new way of cooking. Alternatively, perhaps I should just make sure I cook everything for the correct times in future!
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Sir Norman Wisdom
He passed away yesterday, aged 95.In his classic comedic movies he played Norman Pitkin, hapless and clumsy, yelling for Mr Grimsdale when his incompetence got him into terrible trouble.
Sounds familiar?
This evening, my better half wanted sausage, bacon & egg for tea. No problem, I've cooked all of those before.
I turned-on the grill, cut the sausages, opened the grill door to put the sausages in, and was surprised to see the plastic grill handle inside, cooking gently. This isn't the first time that the grill handle has been cooked. At least I didn't melt the thing -- that was my eldest daughter, a couple of weeks ago (I wonder if cookery disasters is hereditary?).
I knew that I would set-off the smoke alarm if I wasn't careful, so I switched the cooker extractor on, then went to the external extractor fan, tripping over the cats' water bowl on my way and spilling water all over the floor.
I started cooking the bacon in the frying pan, then realised that the bacon would take about 2 minutes, whereas the sausages would take 15. I moved the pan off the heat, and concentrated on the sausages.
When they were nearly done, I finished cooking the bacon, moved the rashers onto plates and cracked eggs into the pan. I managed to crack the first one so hard against the side of the pan that I pierced the yolk and sploshed albumen all over the side. Meh.
The siren of the smoke alarm sounded, telling me that (1) I had been unsuccessful in my extraction efforts and (2) the sausages were close to being cooked. Serving everything up and eating it was a pleasure, allowing me to reflect on my kitchen clumsiness and wonder whether the easy possibility of kitchen disasters was ever used in a Norman Wisdom movie.
Sounds familiar?
This evening, my better half wanted sausage, bacon & egg for tea. No problem, I've cooked all of those before.
I turned-on the grill, cut the sausages, opened the grill door to put the sausages in, and was surprised to see the plastic grill handle inside, cooking gently. This isn't the first time that the grill handle has been cooked. At least I didn't melt the thing -- that was my eldest daughter, a couple of weeks ago (I wonder if cookery disasters is hereditary?).
I knew that I would set-off the smoke alarm if I wasn't careful, so I switched the cooker extractor on, then went to the external extractor fan, tripping over the cats' water bowl on my way and spilling water all over the floor.
I started cooking the bacon in the frying pan, then realised that the bacon would take about 2 minutes, whereas the sausages would take 15. I moved the pan off the heat, and concentrated on the sausages.
When they were nearly done, I finished cooking the bacon, moved the rashers onto plates and cracked eggs into the pan. I managed to crack the first one so hard against the side of the pan that I pierced the yolk and sploshed albumen all over the side. Meh.
The siren of the smoke alarm sounded, telling me that (1) I had been unsuccessful in my extraction efforts and (2) the sausages were close to being cooked. Serving everything up and eating it was a pleasure, allowing me to reflect on my kitchen clumsiness and wonder whether the easy possibility of kitchen disasters was ever used in a Norman Wisdom movie.
Saturday, 2 October 2010
Teaspoonfuls
This evening, I was asked to make two cups of hot chocolate, one with water and one with milk.
The instructions looked simple to follow:
Pour 4 heaped teaspoonfuls of chocolate into a cup, add hot water / milk.
Can't go wrong, I thought.
Both recipients complained of watery hot chocolate.
It seems that there's a difference between "rounded teaspoonfuls" and "heaped teaspoonfuls". Next time, I must remember to load the teaspoon with as much chocolate as can possibly fit on it, rather than simply having a dome of powder.
The instructions looked simple to follow:
Pour 4 heaped teaspoonfuls of chocolate into a cup, add hot water / milk.
Can't go wrong, I thought.
Both recipients complained of watery hot chocolate.
It seems that there's a difference between "rounded teaspoonfuls" and "heaped teaspoonfuls". Next time, I must remember to load the teaspoon with as much chocolate as can possibly fit on it, rather than simply having a dome of powder.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Oven-proof labels
Have you noticed that labels saying "this cookware is not dishwasher-safe" aren't oven-proof? I have.
I managed to burn a label off, by leaving it on a dish when cooking in it. Of course, I then didn't realise that the dish wasn't dishwasher-safe, and it had to be thrown away after I put it through a washing cycle.
There must be a trick to this, but I haven't discovered a single rule that I can use to say "this type of dish is never safe for dishwashers".
I managed to burn a label off, by leaving it on a dish when cooking in it. Of course, I then didn't realise that the dish wasn't dishwasher-safe, and it had to be thrown away after I put it through a washing cycle.
There must be a trick to this, but I haven't discovered a single rule that I can use to say "this type of dish is never safe for dishwashers".
Monday, 27 September 2010
Omelette juice
We had 5 eggs. discodoris wanted omelette. I can make three-egg omelette.
I fried salmon, whacked the heat up to full-blast, whisked the eggs with a splash of milk, and poured them over the salmon. Within 30 seconds, I had a perfect omelette!
I served it, and she was very happy with it.
I had two eggs left. I wanted the same size of omelette, so I bulked it to the same volume by adding extra milk.
After leaving the gloop in the frying pan for 5 minutes, it still wasn't setting, and was starting to burn, so I served it up anyway. It was a disgusting mess of omelette juice!
I fried salmon, whacked the heat up to full-blast, whisked the eggs with a splash of milk, and poured them over the salmon. Within 30 seconds, I had a perfect omelette!
I served it, and she was very happy with it.
I had two eggs left. I wanted the same size of omelette, so I bulked it to the same volume by adding extra milk.
After leaving the gloop in the frying pan for 5 minutes, it still wasn't setting, and was starting to burn, so I served it up anyway. It was a disgusting mess of omelette juice!
A gas hob is a very bad plate warmer
I was new at cooking eggs & bacon. I didn't realise that bacon would take so long in the frying pan. I fried the eggs first.
The eggs were on a plate, getting cooler by the minute, whilst the bacon fried. I didn't want the eggs to be stone cold by the time the bacon was ready, so I thought I'd keep the plate warm.
The rim on the bottom of the plate was just the right size to go over the gas burner. It could have been made for the task, so I thought I'd keep the eggs warm by putting the gas on really low.
It lasted for less than a minute before I heard a huge CRACK!, and the plate shattered into sharp stoneware shards.
I tried to pick the shard out of the eggs, but it was no good - I had to throw them away, and bacon & eggs became bacon-on-a-fork.
The eggs were on a plate, getting cooler by the minute, whilst the bacon fried. I didn't want the eggs to be stone cold by the time the bacon was ready, so I thought I'd keep the plate warm.
The rim on the bottom of the plate was just the right size to go over the gas burner. It could have been made for the task, so I thought I'd keep the eggs warm by putting the gas on really low.
It lasted for less than a minute before I heard a huge CRACK!, and the plate shattered into sharp stoneware shards.
I tried to pick the shard out of the eggs, but it was no good - I had to throw them away, and bacon & eggs became bacon-on-a-fork.
Gold paint is actually gold!
Who knew! Certainly not me, when I put a bowl of tomato soup in the microwave. It was a very nice bowl, with a gold-painted rim.
I thought it was a little strange when it started fizzing, but I had never microwaved tomato soup before so I didn't realise that it wasn't supposed to fizz.
However, when it exploded and left a gloopy mess over the walls and the door, I got a hint! Perhaps I should have covered the soup, but I was unsure of whether clingfilm-dipped soup would be poisonous.
I thought it was a little strange when it started fizzing, but I had never microwaved tomato soup before so I didn't realise that it wasn't supposed to fizz.
However, when it exploded and left a gloopy mess over the walls and the door, I got a hint! Perhaps I should have covered the soup, but I was unsure of whether clingfilm-dipped soup would be poisonous.
Teflon rusts
Don't let anyone tell you different! It's hateful stuff!
I've already posted about my roasting pan becoming non-non-stick, when potatoes were roasting in it, and then forgetting that I'd just spent ages cleaning the teflon off the potatoes while I made gravy in the same pan, but that's not the only non-stick item that I've ruined.
I have a baking tray, with about 30% of it teflon coated. I had a set of three non-stick saucepans, each of which rusted THROUGH the teflon coating!
My problem with the teflon baking sheet was that I didn't wash it very thoroughly. "Hey", I thought, "it's non-stick, so food won't stick to it". Isn't that the purpose of non-stick coatings?
Because I didn't necessarily wash it thoroughly, a grime built-up on it. This grime also built-up on my ceramic hob. I was worried about scouring them, permanently ruining my tray and hob.
After 18 months, my partner brought-up my lack of cleanliness. She didn't accept my excuse, explaining to me how ceramic is tougher than the scouring cloths that I had. She also asked about my oven. "Isn't it self-cleaning?" I asked. It seems not.
ok, this post isn't as amusing as my cookistry disasters, but it's still true.
Oh ... my saucepans weren't tougher than my scouring cloths, and had to be thrown out.
I've already posted about my roasting pan becoming non-non-stick, when potatoes were roasting in it, and then forgetting that I'd just spent ages cleaning the teflon off the potatoes while I made gravy in the same pan, but that's not the only non-stick item that I've ruined.
I have a baking tray, with about 30% of it teflon coated. I had a set of three non-stick saucepans, each of which rusted THROUGH the teflon coating!
My problem with the teflon baking sheet was that I didn't wash it very thoroughly. "Hey", I thought, "it's non-stick, so food won't stick to it". Isn't that the purpose of non-stick coatings?
Because I didn't necessarily wash it thoroughly, a grime built-up on it. This grime also built-up on my ceramic hob. I was worried about scouring them, permanently ruining my tray and hob.
After 18 months, my partner brought-up my lack of cleanliness. She didn't accept my excuse, explaining to me how ceramic is tougher than the scouring cloths that I had. She also asked about my oven. "Isn't it self-cleaning?" I asked. It seems not.
ok, this post isn't as amusing as my cookistry disasters, but it's still true.
Oh ... my saucepans weren't tougher than my scouring cloths, and had to be thrown out.
Misadventures with the coffee jug
We have a coffee maker with an insulated jug. It is a great idea, as it uses less energy to keep the coffee hot, and there's less chance of it burning the coffee.
I filled the jug with cold water, poured the water into the coffee maker, put a filter in, poured coffee into the filter, slotted the jug under it and switched it on.
I returned after 5 minutes to pour myself a lovely cup of coffee, to find a coffee-ground flood all over the worktop.
The jug has a lid with a sprung valve, which needs to be screwed on, or the bottom of the filter holder remains closed.
I repeated the brewing, this time making sure that the lid was screwed-in. I stood by the coffee maker, to make sure that it was working correctly.
It worked! I had a jug of coffee! I tilted the jug, to pour the coffee out, but nothing happened. The lid was closed, so I screwed it to the "open" mark and tried again, Coffee poured into my cup, followed by the lid splashing into it, spilling most of the coffee out! It seems that the sprung loaded lid just needs to be pressed to allow the coffee out.
And people wonder why I prefer instant coffee!
I filled the jug with cold water, poured the water into the coffee maker, put a filter in, poured coffee into the filter, slotted the jug under it and switched it on.
I returned after 5 minutes to pour myself a lovely cup of coffee, to find a coffee-ground flood all over the worktop.
The jug has a lid with a sprung valve, which needs to be screwed on, or the bottom of the filter holder remains closed.
I repeated the brewing, this time making sure that the lid was screwed-in. I stood by the coffee maker, to make sure that it was working correctly.
It worked! I had a jug of coffee! I tilted the jug, to pour the coffee out, but nothing happened. The lid was closed, so I screwed it to the "open" mark and tried again, Coffee poured into my cup, followed by the lid splashing into it, spilling most of the coffee out! It seems that the sprung loaded lid just needs to be pressed to allow the coffee out.
And people wonder why I prefer instant coffee!
You can re-use frying pan oil
However, when you have a partner who is intolerant to capsicum and pepperine, it's best to clean it before you make her turkey bacon rashers taste like pepper *nods*
I can even muck-up making a sandwich!
I was asked for a ham salad sandwich. I asked what salad would be required, as we have no mixed salad in a bag. I was told "lettuce, tomato, cucumber and salad cream".
I cut the bread, chopped the lettuce, sliced the tomatoes and cucumber, put it all together and served it up.
How was I supposed to know the difference between lettuce and cabbage?
A bear of very little brain
I fancied toasted bagels for breakfast. Not too tricky, you might think, just cut them in half and pop them in the toaster.
However, we were staying with a friend, I've already stated how dextrous I am with cutting things, we were in a foreign country and I couldn't understand the oven!
Ok, we were in the US, so I shouldn't have had language problems, but I was looking for the toaster / grill, but I could only see controls for the oven and the broiler.
I pressed buttons, I turned knobs, but eventually I admitted defeat. I couldn't get the damned thing to cook bagels from above.
However, we were staying with a friend, I've already stated how dextrous I am with cutting things, we were in a foreign country and I couldn't understand the oven!
Ok, we were in the US, so I shouldn't have had language problems, but I was looking for the toaster / grill, but I could only see controls for the oven and the broiler.
I pressed buttons, I turned knobs, but eventually I admitted defeat. I couldn't get the damned thing to cook bagels from above.
the problem with thin-crust pizza
Cooking (well, heating) pizzas. Five of us, all hungry, so there were 6 pizzas; 2 thin-crust and 4 deep-pan.
The deep pan pizzas need 10-12 minutes at 200C. The thin crusts need 6-8 minutes at 200C. No problem, I thought - I'll heat the ovens, put all the deep pan pizzas on the oven grills, start them going, then put the two thin-crust pizzas on pizza trays and shove them in the bottom of the ovens.
All went well, and was nice & straightforward.
On opening the top oven, to take out the cooked pizzas, there was a cloud of smoke. "This seems wrong" I thought to myself, but I grabbed the pizzas and thought nothing more of it.
When trying to slide the pepperoni thin crust pizza off its pizza tray, it was stuck. Very strange. I soon discovered what had happened, though ...
The pizzas are all supplied on compressed polystyrene bases. I had neglected to remove the base from one pizza before cooking it. It had melted, fusing the pizza to the tray, and smoked the taste of plastic into the other pizzas.
One pizza thrown away, two pizzas tasting of plastic. Meh!
On the subject of cutting ...
my last post talked about the problem I have with The World's Sharpest Knife(tm).
That is not the only problem I have with cutting things in the kitchen.
This copy-pasted from Facebook:
That is not the only problem I have with cutting things in the kitchen.
This copy-pasted from Facebook:
Rick Brown "you might have to cut the lasagne pasta". Hah! The damned stuff splinters into a thousand parts as soon as I bring a pair of scissors near it!
Fresh bread
This isn't a post about cooking. This is a post about cutting.
For the life of me, I can't cut in a straight line! I first noticed this in woodwork classes, when my saw seemed to have a life of its own, hacking chunks off my timber and leaving me with a pile of splintered shards in place of a coffee table.
Translated to cookistry, the tenon saw is The World's Sharpest Knife(tm) and the timber is bread newly baked by discodoris. Expertly-baked, I might add (I might add it because I thoroughly enjoy the bread, and buttering-up the cook is a good way to get some more).
From a tin loaf, I can possibly get three nice slices from it. The rest of the loaf is a series of wedges, some nicely triangular, some rings and a few domes. And, as discodoris has just reminded me, some that exhibit all three characteristics, not counting the mobius slices I seem to be capable of cutting.
For the life of me, I can't cut in a straight line! I first noticed this in woodwork classes, when my saw seemed to have a life of its own, hacking chunks off my timber and leaving me with a pile of splintered shards in place of a coffee table.
Translated to cookistry, the tenon saw is The World's Sharpest Knife(tm) and the timber is bread newly baked by discodoris. Expertly-baked, I might add (I might add it because I thoroughly enjoy the bread, and buttering-up the cook is a good way to get some more).
From a tin loaf, I can possibly get three nice slices from it. The rest of the loaf is a series of wedges, some nicely triangular, some rings and a few domes. And, as discodoris has just reminded me, some that exhibit all three characteristics, not counting the mobius slices I seem to be capable of cutting.
Stir Fry adventures
Stir fry. You can't go wrong, can you? You simply need to keep stirring.
No, I can't spare the time to grab ingredients out of the fridge, because I stop stirring the wok for a few seconds and the noodles stick to the bottom.
A stir fry of nicely-cooked veg and properly-done chunks of meat, with the juxtaposition of the scraped dregs of noodles fused to the bottom of the pan offering a certain piquant smokiness to the whole ensemble.
I cooked it, I'm damned-well going to eat it!
No, I can't spare the time to grab ingredients out of the fridge, because I stop stirring the wok for a few seconds and the noodles stick to the bottom.
A stir fry of nicely-cooked veg and properly-done chunks of meat, with the juxtaposition of the scraped dregs of noodles fused to the bottom of the pan offering a certain piquant smokiness to the whole ensemble.
I cooked it, I'm damned-well going to eat it!
Frying Mince?
Ever since I was very small, I thought that spaghetti bolognese had chewy mince.
Mince, passata, spaghetti. You can't really go wrong with it. However, my mince was always chewy.
discodoris told me the secret.
Fry the mince, don't boil it!
I needed to be told three times. It is ingrained into me that I should boil the stuff!
This has caused another problem. Whenever I cook (and I mean WHENEVER! It doesn't matter what I cook, what implements I use, whether it's the grill, the oven, the hob) the smoke detector will blast-out at 100dB to complain!
Mince, passata, spaghetti. You can't really go wrong with it. However, my mince was always chewy.
discodoris told me the secret.
Fry the mince, don't boil it!
I needed to be told three times. It is ingrained into me that I should boil the stuff!
This has caused another problem. Whenever I cook (and I mean WHENEVER! It doesn't matter what I cook, what implements I use, whether it's the grill, the oven, the hob) the smoke detector will blast-out at 100dB to complain!
Teflon Gravy
Mmm, roast dinners! I like a good roast!
Yes, I've started a post with the same sentiment before, but I *really* like roasts!
I am expert in making scrumbly potatoes - you know the ones - the edges are furry, so when roasted, they become crispy and falling-apart!
However, I have problems keeping a non-stick coating on roasting pans.
It has been noted to me that I had very cheap cookware, because I started this process by buying any old stuf from the local supermarket.
Anyway ... the teflon coating on my roasting pan was starting to come away. No problem I thought - it's non-stick, so it's not going to stick to my food.
WRONG!
Teflon flakes on my lovely potatoes. I had to spend ages scraping them clear.
Ho hum ... I need gravy with a roast. To make gravy, I thicken the pan juices with flour, pour veg-water in, stir, add an oxo cube, stir again, pour into a pyrex jug.
I had forgotten about the teflon coating.
Teflon gravy is a poor accompaniment to teflon potatoes.
Yes, I've started a post with the same sentiment before, but I *really* like roasts!
I am expert in making scrumbly potatoes - you know the ones - the edges are furry, so when roasted, they become crispy and falling-apart!
However, I have problems keeping a non-stick coating on roasting pans.
It has been noted to me that I had very cheap cookware, because I started this process by buying any old stuf from the local supermarket.
Anyway ... the teflon coating on my roasting pan was starting to come away. No problem I thought - it's non-stick, so it's not going to stick to my food.
WRONG!
Teflon flakes on my lovely potatoes. I had to spend ages scraping them clear.
Ho hum ... I need gravy with a roast. To make gravy, I thicken the pan juices with flour, pour veg-water in, stir, add an oxo cube, stir again, pour into a pyrex jug.
I had forgotten about the teflon coating.
Teflon gravy is a poor accompaniment to teflon potatoes.
Steaming vegetables in the microwave
ok, my previous disaster was about not giving enough time to fresh veggies in the microwave. I discovered that I needed to add water, and stick the microwave on for 10 minutes.
For some reason, I thought that I needed to do this for frozen veg, too.
Half a pint of water in with frozen veg DOES mean that they cook slower, I found.
They lose all taste, though, and go soggy, and aren't very nice to eat.
For some reason, I thought that I needed to do this for frozen veg, too.
Half a pint of water in with frozen veg DOES mean that they cook slower, I found.
They lose all taste, though, and go soggy, and aren't very nice to eat.
Vegetables in a roast dinner
Roast dinners. Mmmm! I love a nice roast!
discodoris told me that basting a joint with fizzy cola keeps it moist and gives the gravy a nice caramel flavour. She was right, and it doesn't seem to matter what brand, or even whether it's full-fat or diet!
However, although the joint is straightforward (well, so far), the vegetables are a different matter!
Having previously heated veggies from frozen in the microwave, I knew that 2-5minutes is adequate at full power.
I had some fresh carrots.
I gave them 5 minutes.
Hard as BULLETS!
discodoris told me that basting a joint with fizzy cola keeps it moist and gives the gravy a nice caramel flavour. She was right, and it doesn't seem to matter what brand, or even whether it's full-fat or diet!
However, although the joint is straightforward (well, so far), the vegetables are a different matter!
Having previously heated veggies from frozen in the microwave, I knew that 2-5minutes is adequate at full power.
I had some fresh carrots.
I gave them 5 minutes.
Hard as BULLETS!
Vegetables in a roast dinner
Roast dinners. Mmmm! I love a nice roast!
discodoris told me that basting a joint with fizzy cola keeps it moist and gives the gravy a nice caramel flavour. She was right, and it doesn't seem to matter what brand, or even whether it's full-fat or diet!
However, although the joint is straightforward (well, so far), the vegetables are a different matter!
Having previously heated veggies from frozen in the microwave, I knew that 2-5minutes is adequate at full power.
I had some fresh carrots.
I gave them 5 minutes.
Hard as BULLETS!
discodoris told me that basting a joint with fizzy cola keeps it moist and gives the gravy a nice caramel flavour. She was right, and it doesn't seem to matter what brand, or even whether it's full-fat or diet!
However, although the joint is straightforward (well, so far), the vegetables are a different matter!
Having previously heated veggies from frozen in the microwave, I knew that 2-5minutes is adequate at full power.
I had some fresh carrots.
I gave them 5 minutes.
Hard as BULLETS!
MSN needs Webcam
So, my first experience was a positive one. "Hey", I thought to myself, "this cookistry stuff is easier than I thought it would be! All I need is to understand the instructions and follow them, and the guaranteed output is something that I can enjoy eating".
A few days later, I had no food in the house. Well, when I say "no food" I mean "no ready-meals, no oven chips, no Findus Crispy Pancakes".
When I said this, over MSN, to discodoris, she asked some pertinent questions. These questions were pertinent because she'd gone shopping with me, so she knew what I had in the cupboards.
The following is a precis, from a conversation between discodoris and me
"Do you have potatoes?"
"Yes"
"Do you have eggs?"
"Yes"
"Do you have oil?"
"Yes"
"You're all sorted, then. Here's what you do:
Heat oil in the pan, chop the potatoes into half-inch cubes, drop the potatoes into the oil and stir them/shake the pan until they are starting to brown. Then I'll tell you the next step"
After a few minutes ...
"ok, they are browning. I've taken them off the heat, so they don't burn while I'm not looking at them"
"Good. Now, you want to fry a couple of eggs to go with them. Using the same oil in the same pan, crack two eggs into it"
A couple of minutes later ...
"ok, I've cracked two eggs into it. I now have a horrible eggy mess over my potatoes"
"Err, you moved the potatoes to the side in the pan, and cracked the eggs into an empty part of the pan?"
"No. Should I have done so?"
Were the instructions incomplete? Should I have known that I was supposed to move the potatoes out of the way? It would all have been sorted had I used a webcam for my MSN, so she could have seen the mess I was making of it.
I ate it, though. It tasted very nice, although a little bland.
A few days later, I had no food in the house. Well, when I say "no food" I mean "no ready-meals, no oven chips, no Findus Crispy Pancakes".
When I said this, over MSN, to discodoris, she asked some pertinent questions. These questions were pertinent because she'd gone shopping with me, so she knew what I had in the cupboards.
The following is a precis, from a conversation between discodoris and me
"Do you have potatoes?"
"Yes"
"Do you have eggs?"
"Yes"
"Do you have oil?"
"Yes"
"You're all sorted, then. Here's what you do:
Heat oil in the pan, chop the potatoes into half-inch cubes, drop the potatoes into the oil and stir them/shake the pan until they are starting to brown. Then I'll tell you the next step"
After a few minutes ...
"ok, they are browning. I've taken them off the heat, so they don't burn while I'm not looking at them"
"Good. Now, you want to fry a couple of eggs to go with them. Using the same oil in the same pan, crack two eggs into it"
A couple of minutes later ...
"ok, I've cracked two eggs into it. I now have a horrible eggy mess over my potatoes"
"Err, you moved the potatoes to the side in the pan, and cracked the eggs into an empty part of the pan?"
"No. Should I have done so?"
Were the instructions incomplete? Should I have known that I was supposed to move the potatoes out of the way? It would all have been sorted had I used a webcam for my MSN, so she could have seen the mess I was making of it.
I ate it, though. It tasted very nice, although a little bland.
MSN needs Webcam
So, my first experience was a positive one. "Hey", I thought to myself, "this cookistry stuff is easier than I thought it would be! All I need is to understand the instructions and follow them, and the guaranteed output is something that I can enjoy eating".
A few days later, I had no food in the house. Well, when I say "no food" I mean "no ready-meals, no oven chips, no Findus Crispy Pancakes".
When I said this, over MSN, to discodoris, she asked some pertinent questions. These questions were pertinent because she'd gone shopping with me, so she knew what I had in the cupboards.
The following conversation is a precis between discodoris and me
"Do you have potatoes?"
"Yes"
"Do you have eggs?"
"Yes"
"Do you have oil?"
"Yes"
"You're all sorted, then. Here's what you do:
Heat oil in the pan, chop the potatoes into half-inch cubes, drop the potatoes into the oil and stir them/shake the pan until they are starting to brown. Then I'll tell you the next step"
After a few minutes ...
"ok, they are browning. I've taken them off the heat, so they don't burn while I'm not looking at them"
"Good. Now, you want to fry a couple of eggs to go with them. Using the same oil in the same pan, crack two eggs into it"
A couple of minutes later ...
"ok, I've cracked two eggs into it. I now have a horrible eggy mess over my potatoes"
"Err, you moved the potatoes to the side in the pan, and cracked the eggs into an empty part of the pan?"
"No. Should I have done so?"
Were the instructions incomplete? Should I have known that I was supposed to move the potatoes out of the way? It would all have been sorted had I used a webcam for my MSN, so she could have seen the mess I was making of it.
A few days later, I had no food in the house. Well, when I say "no food" I mean "no ready-meals, no oven chips, no Findus Crispy Pancakes".
When I said this, over MSN, to discodoris, she asked some pertinent questions. These questions were pertinent because she'd gone shopping with me, so she knew what I had in the cupboards.
The following conversation is a precis between discodoris and me
"Do you have potatoes?"
"Yes"
"Do you have eggs?"
"Yes"
"Do you have oil?"
"Yes"
"You're all sorted, then. Here's what you do:
Heat oil in the pan, chop the potatoes into half-inch cubes, drop the potatoes into the oil and stir them/shake the pan until they are starting to brown. Then I'll tell you the next step"
After a few minutes ...
"ok, they are browning. I've taken them off the heat, so they don't burn while I'm not looking at them"
"Good. Now, you want to fry a couple of eggs to go with them. Using the same oil in the same pan, crack two eggs into it"
A couple of minutes later ...
"ok, I've cracked two eggs into it. I now have a horrible eggy mess over my potatoes"
"Err, you moved the potatoes to the side in the pan, and cracked the eggs into an empty part of the pan?"
"No. Should I have done so?"
Were the instructions incomplete? Should I have known that I was supposed to move the potatoes out of the way? It would all have been sorted had I used a webcam for my MSN, so she could have seen the mess I was making of it.
How it started
My wife and I split in early 2007. Disasters I've had when cooking are archived in my head (and some of them archived on other general blogging and microblogging sites) so there will be some copy-pasting to bring them all together here, along with side (and occasionally snide) comments about how naive I was.
It started so well! This is from June 1, 2007:
---
MSN Cookery Lessons
I actually cooked for three people last night - myself, my mum and her housemate. Tricolor fusilli, with tuna, passata and cheddar.
I had no idea how to cook pasta, or what to cook with it.
discodoris helped me buy the ingredients originally, but she wasn't around when I needed to cook it. Fortunately, she was online, so I poked her on MSN and she talked me through exactly what to do, how, and when!
And it all worked! It was edible, and everyone enjoyed it.
Big thanks to discodoris for being so awesome and lovely!
---
Who could have known that my next experience would be so different?
It started so well! This is from June 1, 2007:
---
MSN Cookery Lessons
I actually cooked for three people last night - myself, my mum and her housemate. Tricolor fusilli, with tuna, passata and cheddar.
I had no idea how to cook pasta, or what to cook with it.
discodoris helped me buy the ingredients originally, but she wasn't around when I needed to cook it. Fortunately, she was online, so I poked her on MSN and she talked me through exactly what to do, how, and when!
And it all worked! It was edible, and everyone enjoyed it.
Big thanks to discodoris for being so awesome and lovely!
---
Who could have known that my next experience would be so different?
Whirled Peas
Welcome to my cookery blog. This isn't the regular fayre that you get with cookery blogs, showing you how to cook, healthy eating, listing ingredients, etc., it's how I am learning (and failing) to cook.
When my marriage ended, I realised that I could only heat food in the microwave, or throw pre-cooked substances into the oven for finishing & browning. I had no concept of actually cooking, taking raw ingredients and constructing an edible meal from those.
I left school in 1985, having been taught many useful things, such as the workings of a lathe, how to plane wood, the triple-point of water, the trajectory and acceleration of missiles, the colour-coding on electronics, etc., but it was a boys' school, so I had never learned one end of an oven from the other.
Others from my school have managed to overcome this lack. Heston Blumenthal went to my school, a year below me, and he seems to have been fairly successful in this cookistry lark, so perhaps my lack-of-schooling is a poor excuse.
Therefore, I am trying, and receiving lots of assistance & instruction, but I am learning slowly, and I have my share of disasters. This blog outlines some of those disasters, so you can understand the lack of expertise that is where some people start from.
When my marriage ended, I realised that I could only heat food in the microwave, or throw pre-cooked substances into the oven for finishing & browning. I had no concept of actually cooking, taking raw ingredients and constructing an edible meal from those.
I left school in 1985, having been taught many useful things, such as the workings of a lathe, how to plane wood, the triple-point of water, the trajectory and acceleration of missiles, the colour-coding on electronics, etc., but it was a boys' school, so I had never learned one end of an oven from the other.
Others from my school have managed to overcome this lack. Heston Blumenthal went to my school, a year below me, and he seems to have been fairly successful in this cookistry lark, so perhaps my lack-of-schooling is a poor excuse.
Therefore, I am trying, and receiving lots of assistance & instruction, but I am learning slowly, and I have my share of disasters. This blog outlines some of those disasters, so you can understand the lack of expertise that is where some people start from.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)